


Retail is like...imagine four annoying customers on the edge of a cliff.

by Confetti94



Category: Marble Hornets
Genre: Gen, Graphic depictions of retail, i wrote this at the weary hours of morning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-18
Packaged: 2018-09-18 02:58:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9363809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Confetti94/pseuds/Confetti94
Summary: The Ikea AU nobody asked for.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> help

“Tim, can you please check on the customer in aisle 4?”

Tim jumps at the sound of Alex’s voice crackling through the walkie-talkie looped on his work pants, quickly reaching down to lower the volume in an attempt to spare his eardrums. Several people look over at him in reaction to the noise, but quickly lose interest, clearly more invested in their special Christmas deals. Probably.

“Um, yeah--why, if I may ask?”

“He got stuck in the rafters,” replies Alex’s voice in monotone, like this was a normal occurrence. “Help him out, will you? I have to deal with this guy trying to get a discounted price on nine packs of Swedish Fish.”

Oh, right. Alex did mention one particular customer who kept visiting the store and inexplicably getting himself lodged in the unexplored expanses of Ikea. Tim almost never works on the same days as Alex, though, since he specifically requested it.

(Working a 6 hour shift with Alex Fucking Kralie reciting the script for his student film every possible moment? “Stuck in a loop of unhappiness” his _ass!_ )

“I’ll handle it,” Tim mutters, shutting off the walkie-talkie as Alex begins asking him something about anime. He seriously considers submitting his two-week notice before shoving it to the back of his mind to deal with the situation at hand.

Tim exits the aisle he was restocking and snakes his way down the many halls of Ikea, knowing the particular area like the back of his hand. He passes some kid who, while chasing after someone Tim assumes is the child’s brother, knocks over a precariously-balanced display of Christmas lights. He makes a mental note to  _ not flip his shit _ and instead  _ submit his two-week notice like a sane adult _ after he helps Problem Customer #88.

...Speak of the devil.

“Brian?” Tim shouts, incredulously, at the sight of his best friend clinging for dear life on a shelf high above him. Said friend cranes his head to stare at him, grinning at the sight and waving with only one hand holding on. Jesus Christ. “What the fuck are you  _ doing? _ ”

“Hey, buddy!” Brian begins, and Tim cups his hands behind his ears to pick up the sound better. “I was waiting for you to show up. Can you grab a forklift and get me down from here or something?"


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one time i accepted a coupon from a customer that had expired in 2015. its 2017.
> 
> it expired 2 years ago.

Jay swears these coupons didn't expire until February. He's right--they _didn't_ expire until February.

...of last year.

"But I only have five dollars," he pleads to the cashier, who is having none of it. She gestures to the candy shelf with a lazy hand.

"Then put eight back and buy one pack of Swedish Fish," she says, smiling at him with restrained impatience. 

"But I want nine packs of Swedish Fish."

"Your coupons are expired."

"I didn't know that."

The cashier--Jessica, her name tag says, sighs. She picks up the coupons and shows them to him again, pointing at the tiny printed text with a finger.

"It expired a year ago."

"Time isn't real!" Jay shouts, drawing attention from some customers in the checkout lane across from his. "Time is a human construct!"

"Shoot, that'd be a great line in my student film." Jay turns to look at the newcomer, a super tall guy with slightly crooked glasses. He looks like he gets high in his free time.

"Alex, help me," Jessica says, in a completely monotone voice. She clasps her hands together and pretends to pray, Alex swatting her hands down as he approaches Jay. Jay responds by protectively clutching the bags of Swedish Fish, giving him a defiant glare. He didn't want to be That Customer, but he wanted _a lot of Swedish Fish_ , damnit. 

"What's the problem?" Alex asks, crossing his arms and giving Jay a once over. "Something not working?"

"His coupon is expired, so he can't get all nine packs of Swedish Fish. But he really wants them," Jessica explains, and Alex makes a little _o_ with his mouth in understanding. He's about to go full-out bitch mode and tell Jay that he can't always get what he wants when he's interrupted by the shorter man.

"All I have is this five dollar bill," Jay says dejectedly, holding up the crinkled green paper in his palm. Alex stares at it.

"Um. Dude," Alex begins, raising an eyebrow. "That's a twenty dollar bill."

"What?" Jay raises his head to gaze at the currency. Andrew Jackson's green, wrinkled face stares back at him. "Damn, I'm shook."

"I love retail," Jessica mutters.


End file.
